Oct 4, 2023

Send These Back Into The Void

Scoops Ahoy: Pineapple Upside Down
Golden West Food Group  (2023)
I wanted to like this, but it may be the worst frozen dessert that I've ever eaten.  The texture isn't creamy at all.  It came off of my spoon in chunks, not unlike scooping a piece of cantaloupe that isn't ripe enough to eat.  There was very little caramel or cake pieces, and the ice cream itself had a bitter flavor which made me wonder if whatever they used for the pineapple flavoring had spoiled the milk.

I'm honestly shocked that this meets the FDA requirements to be labeled as ice cream.  The flavor and texture reminds me of what a middle school kid might end up with if they were trying to make ice cream for the first time without ever learning how it's done and using whatever ingredients happened to be in their parents kitchen at that time.

Incidentally, I worked for a major ice cream producer for eight years.  The carton of Pineapple Upside Down that I had showed no signs of suffering from temperature abuse from somewhere along the supply chain, and it didn't have an odor which could suggest that it absorbed other flavors from improper storage.  It's just a lousy recipe for ice cream.  The cheapest bargain brand ice cream or frozen dairy dessert that I have ever eaten is much better than this.

Scoops Ahoy: The Void
Golden West Food Group  (2023)
Unfortunately, I bought two different flavors of Stranger Things ice cream with my last grocery order, and while this didn't taste anywhere near as bad as Pineapple Upside Down, it's still nothing to write home about.

I'll give them credit for one thing - they put a lot of effort into the packaging artwork and the appearance of the ice cream itself.  This isn't dark blue... this is black.  It looked like a lump of coal sitting in the bowl after I scooped it out, and the strawberry swirl seemed almost like blood mixed throughout.

So, after all of the work that they put into the packaging and the appearance of the ice cream itself, you might expect that the flavor would be outstanding, right?  Nope.  It's vanilla... just plain vanilla.  It's not even a particularly rich or creamy vanilla.  It's the kind of vanilla that we used to get in those little paper cups with a wooden spoon in elementary school.

The best thing I can say about it is that it didn't have the bitter and unpleasant flavor that my carton of Pineapple Upside Down had.  It was just bland, and there was very little strawberry swirl or cookie pieces to break up the blandness.  It kind of reminded me of the vegetables in a cup of instant noodles.  You know when you peel back the lid and you see one or two little freeze dried peas or carrots sitting on top with the flavoring powder before you make your noodles?  It was like that.  I suspect that the only reason they included strawberry sauce or cookie pieces at all was just to be able to say on the package that they're technically in there, because there sure isn't enough of either of them to have any real effect on the flavor of the ice cream.

There are two interesting side effects to The Void; it turns your mouth black and your crap green.  I don't mean a little tint of green... I mean that it'll make your toilet look like a potted plant.  Sorry, no photos... you'll just have to use your imagination.