It's A Mad House!

Twilight Zone on the Planet Of The Apes
The Forbidden Zone (2004)
The screenplay for Planet Of The Apes was co-written by legendary Twilight Zone creator Rod Serling.  In honor of Mr. Serling, the webmaster of an excellent Planet Of The Apes site called The Forbidden Zone has created a reimagining of the classic sci-fi film as an episode of The Twilight Zone.  The movie has been cut down to 25 minutes to fit the runtime of an episode, and the video was softened and turned to black and white to match the series.  It also contains the famous Twilight Zone intro and outro, as well as narrations from Rod Serling from episodes of the series that are oddly appropriate for Planet Of The Apes.

Click on the link above to check it out!

UPDATE: The video can now be found here.

To Whom The Bell Cycles

In the Phillies 14-6 win over the Montreal Expos this evening, David Bell hit for the cycle.  The Phillies third basemen is the second member of the Bell family to accomplish this feat.  His grandfather, Pirates right fielder Gus Bell, hit for the cycle 53 years ago in a game that took place on June 4th, 1951 against the Philadelphia Phillies.

The Owen Hart Memorial Show

WXW: The Owen Hart Memorial Show
American Legion Hall - Hazleton, PA
Owen Hart tragically died in the ring on May 23, 1999 at the WWF Over The Edge pay-per-view event.  Five years ago on June 19th 1999, World Xtreme Wrestling held a memorial show as a way to pay tribute to an incredibly talented man.

The photo above was taken before the start of the show following a moment of silence for Owen Hart.  Afa the Wild Samoan and members of his family took turns speaking to the crowd and sharing memories about Owen and how much he meant to them and to professional wrestling.  Standing next to him is his wife, Lynn Anoa'i, and his sons, Headshrinker Samu and Afa Jr.

The card included top talent who were wrestling across the indie scene at the time, including Doink The Clown, Devon Storm (who would go on to become Crowbar in WCW) and Headshrinker Samu.

Results:

• Jake Daniels defeated Pinky The Flamingo Kid

• Doink The Clown defeated The New Jersey Devil

• The Hungarian Barbarian defeated Jak Molsonn

• Afa Jr defeated Lucifer Grimm

• WXW Tag Team Championship Match
  The Wild Things (Arick Von Erick and Vincent Goodnight) defeated Danny Blackheart and Wife Beater

• Judas Young defeated HC Loc

• "Sweet Daddy" Jay Love defeated Kale

• Devon Storm defeated George Anthony

UPDATE:  The wrestler who worked as Doink The Clown during this show was Ray Apollo, who was the second man to regularly work in the WWF as Doink after Matt Bourne separated from the promotion in December 1993.  He continued to wrestle in the WWF as Doink from 1994 to 1997 and in sporadic appearances, including the Gimmick Battle Royal at Wrestlemania 17.

UPDATE 2 (2/15/2006):  HC Loc would go on to work for ECW in its final days before becoming a member of the Ring Of Honor roster for their first show on February 23, 2002.  He and Tony DeVito formed a tag team called The Carnage Crew, and they held the ROH Tag Team Championship during the summer of 2005.

UPDATE 3 (4/28/2022):  Chris Hero began his wrestling career under the name of Wife Beater, and I wondered for years if he was one of the participants in the Tag Team Championship match at this show, or if it was just a coincidence and a local wrestler used the name because he wore a white tank top.  Earlier this month, I stumbled on an old scrapbook that I kept when I was 18 years old which reminded me of this, so I decided to reach out to the man himself to see if I could learn once and for all if this was him.

It's official - Chris Hero wrestled on The Owen Hart Memorial Show for WXW back in 1999.  I've been a big fan of his for many years.  I've been in attendance for a bunch of his matches with ROH, CZW and Chikara over the years, and I continued to follow his career on television when he wrestled under the name Kassius Ohno on NXT.  As luck would have it, he wrestled in my hometown, just a few blocks away from my house, at one of the first independent wrestling shows that I've ever attended.  Maybe I'm just a great big nerd, but I think that's pretty neat!

A Solo Double Feature

Dawn Of The Dead and Secret Window
Regal Cinemas - Hazleton, PA

No one else wanted to go see Dawn Of The Dead with me, so I figured "what the hell" and went to see it by myself.  I enjoyed the peace and quiet of being able to kick back and immerse myself in the story in solitude with a soda and a popcorn that I immediately bought a ticket to see something else as soon as the credits rolled.  The second half of this impromptu double feature was Secret Window.  I had never heard of it before and didn't even know what genre of movie it was, but the start time matched up with the end of Dawn Of The Dead, so I again figured "what the hell", and I'm very glad that I did.  For as much as I loved the remake of the George Romero zombie classic, I enjoyed Secret Window even more, and I've been craving buttered corn on the cob ever since.

Alive In The Superunknown

Soundgarden's fourth album, Superunknown, was released ten years ago today.  It was one of the first albums that I ever owned on CD, and one of my all-time favorites.  Not long after I got it, I bought the blacklight poster for the album from Spencer's in the Wyoming Valley Mall in Wilkes-Barre.  This was during a time in my life when I was living with my grandparents in West Hazleton and with my dad in South Florida, so my poster racked up quite a few frequent flier miles.

I was a freshman in high school when this photo was taken.  I'm the one without the fur (the dog is Bailey and the cat is Kiora).  At the time, I was living on Water Oak Court in Palm Beach Gardens with my dad and his girlfriend, Julie, and she was cool enough to let me hang my Soundgarden poster on the wall behind my bed.

A Burger And A Hat Trick

Wilkes-Barre Scranton Penguins vs Hershey Bears
Wachovia Arena - December 10, 2003
Grandpa and I went to the game last night and saw prospect Michel Ouellet scored three times in the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins victory over the Hershey Bears, 6-4.  After the game, we stopped at Mark II for a late dinner.

The dinner special for the day was the Black Angus Chop Steak, which they also served as a cheeseburger.  Grandpa is pretty notorious for mispronouncing things, so he ordered a "Black Agnes" burger.

Let's Shake Some Dust

Carnivàle
HBO (2003)
This is the most brilliant television show I've seen since Twin Peaks.  In fact, one of its stars is Michael J. Anderson who was The Man From Another Place in the Twin Peaks series.

"Before the beginning, after the great war between heaven and hell, God created the Earth and gave dominion over it to the crafty ape he called man… and to each generation was born a Creature of Light and a Creature of Darkness… and great armies clashed by night in the ancient war between good and evil. There was magic then. Nobility. And unimaginable cruelty. And so it was until the day that a false sun exploded over Trinity, and man forever traded away wonder for reason."

- Samson

The Parade Of The Unisphere

Unisphere Float
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (1963)

The 1964-65 New York World's Fair was held in Flushing Meadows Park in Queens.  The upcoming event was promoted at the 1963 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

This photo of the Unisphere Float isn't quite as clear, but it does show a massive billboard for Johnny Walker Scotch.  Drink up, my friends, and Happy Thanksgiving!

An Evening At The Vet

Saturday, April 20, 1996
St. Louis Cardinals @ Philadelphia Phillies
Veterans Stadium - Philadelphia, PA

Pitching: Alan Benes vs. Sid Fernandez
Results: Cardinals defeated Phillies, 1-0

I've only ever been to one game at Veterans Stadium, but it was memorable.  My friend, Cyrus, invited me to come with his family to a game when I was 15.  Even better - we had luxury box tickets (his father worked for a company that had them for the season).

The game was a pitchers duel between the Phillies 1996 Opening Day starter Sid Fernandez and Cardinals rookie Alan Benes.  Sid struck out 11 and had a no-hitter going through 7 innings, but he gave up three singles in the top of the 8th inning to Pat Borders, Willie McGee and Brian Jordan.  Jordan's RBI single put the Cardinals up 1-0.  Unfortunately for Hawaii 5-0, Benes shut down the Phillies offense, giving up only two singles in eight innings: a 5th inning single to Mark Whiten and an 8th inning single to Mickey Morandini.  Dennis Eckersley shut the door in the 9th for his fifth save of the season.

The 1996 Phillies still had quite a few members of the '93 NL Championship team.  Four of them appeared in this game: Morandini, Kevin Stocker, Jim Eisenreich, and Lenny Dykstra in what would be the final season of his career.  The bench that night included Pete Incaviglia, who returned to the team after a year in Japan, and Darren Daulton in his last full season as a member of the Phillies.  Additionally, pitcher Terry Mullholland rejoined the team that winter, but the Phillies traded him to the Mariners at the deadline.  We also still had David West and Curt Schilling in the rotation.

Daulton was a left fielder in '96 to make room for one of our big free agent acquisitions, catcher Benito Santiago.  The other big signing for the start of the '96 season was third baseman Todd Zeile.  Gregg Jefferies was also a member of the '96 Phillies, but he didn't appear in this game.

The Cardinals lineup included the man who broke up the no-hitter, catcher Pat Borders.  He was on the '93 Toronto Blue Jays team that defeated the Phillies in the World Series.  Their lineup also included Ron Gant in left field.  The Cardinals traded Gant to the Phillies before the 1999 season in a multi-player deal that sent closer Ricky Bottalico to St. Louis.

Goodbye To The Vet

Veterans Stadium
Philadelphia, PA
The Phillies played their last game at Veteran's Stadium earlier today.  Greg Maddux outdueled Kevin Millwood to give the Braves the victory.  The Phillies end the season ten games over .500 and in third place behind the Braves and Marlins.  You can see the construction of the new ballpark where the Phillies will open next season at the bottom right hand corner of the photo above.

The Official (non-alcoholic) Beverage of Hazleton

Things To Know In Case Of Draft Or Enlistment

213 Things Skippy Can't Do
SkippysList.com
This website hasn't been updated since September 26th, 2001, so I figured that I'd preserve it here just in case it ever randomly disappears.  It was written by SPC Schwarz (aka: Skippy) about things he was told not to do during his military service.  Skippy makes it clear that all of these things did happen, and he was, in fact, cautioned against doing each thing on this list at one point or another, but he wasn't necessarily the person who committed each of these acts to have prompted such a warning.

All material copywrite Skippy, 1995-2001.

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.
38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.
54. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. ‘The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean ‘I have been promoted three more times than you'.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no ‘Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers'.
69. May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed ‘Skyclad'.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
78. I may not call block my chain of command.
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82. May not form any press gangs.
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
84. Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish' things.
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the ‘field of honor'.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as ‘Mom'.
89. Must not refer to the Commander as ‘Dad'.
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96. ‘Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
112. When saluting a ‘leg’ officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from ‘Full Monty’ every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
121. I should not use government resources to ‘waterproof’ dirty magazines.
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. ‘No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages’ does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
129. The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. ‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!’ while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’.
142. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.
144. 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
148. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
153. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.
154. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get 'that time of month'.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'
170. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
172. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.
178. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
179. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.
180. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
188. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
197. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.
198. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
203. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
206. Not allowed to get shot.
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

How Would You Rule The World

Nation States
Max Barry (2003)
The author of Jennifer Government has created an awesome online text game in which you get to create your own country and govern it through your answers to a series of situation-based questions.  The game sometimes leads you to make tough decisions in which there doesn't seem to be a good choice, but   Based on your choices, the country can turn into a paradise or a dystopian nightmare.

The Cat's On The Table Near The Silver Spoon

I never thought that my grandmother would ever allow a cat in the house, let alone on her kitchen table, but she has really fallen in love with Gendo.  For some reason, he likes to lay down on money.  If you put a dollar on the table, he'll plop down on top of it.

My Family in the Living Room

Even at a distance, Grandma is giving me the evil eye.

One Of These People Didn't Want A Photo

Guess which one...

A Tasty Contest

I didn't win the tickets or $20 dollars.  However, I work at a gas station and the delivery guy gives them to us when they go past their best buy date, so I've eaten at least 20 of 'em this season.

The Green Book

The Green Book
Twiztid (2003)

This album was released on my birthday and it's quickly become my favorite Twiztid album.  I prefer the version of The World Is Hell from the sampler, but this version with Esham is also pretty awesome.  My favorite song is Afraid Of Me.  Jamie Madrox's lines are especially meaningful to me.

Camping At The Gathering

Gathering Of The Juggalos
Nelson Ledges Quarry Park - Garrettsville, OH
Ameridan just sent me his photos from the 2003 Gathering Of The Juggalos.  This one was taken at his campsite, which became the unofficial gathering point for everyone on the message board.  I'm the big nerd in the sunglasses on the left.

Most of these are from Dan, but a few of them were uploaded to the board.  When I get the film developed, I'll share my pics.

2003 Gathering Of The Juggalos

Gathering Of The Juggalos
Nelson Ledges Quarry Park - Garrettsville, OH
We made it home from the fourth annual Gathering Of The Juggalos.  It's been a hell of a week of food, friends, pro wrestling and music, and I'm absolutely exhausted.  I'll write more and share some pics and video soon, but for right now, here is the ticket medallion.  You have to love the fact that they spelled the name of the city wrong (it's Garrettsville, with two t's).

I'm hoping to get a list of wrestling matches and a setlist for all of the concerts, but until then, here is a list of the artists who performed.  V-Sinizter (the winner of the 2002 Gathering Of The Juggalos MC contest) performed on Thursday night.  Jumpsteady, Dope, Esham The Unholy and Dark Lotus performed on Friday night.  Zug Izland, Vanilla Ice, Blaze Ya Dead Homie and Twiztid performed on Saturday night.  Finally, Kottonmouth Kings, Killah Priest, Bushwick Bill, Anybody Killa and the Insane Clown Posse performed on Sunday night.

Anger Is More Useful Than Despair

Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines
Destinta Theatres - Clarion, PA
We stopped at the Clarion Mall on the way to The Gathering Of The Juggalos to break up the drive a bit and get something to eat.  There was a movie theater in the mall, so we all went to see Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines.  It's nowhere near as good as The Terminator or Terminator 2: Judgment Day, but those are pretty high bars to clear, especially without the involvement of James Cameron.  It's a good movie in its own right, but I'd hesitate to call it a "must see" for fans of the first two films.

Macho Row

The 1993 Phillies National League All-Stars
Terry Mulholland, Darren Daulton, John Kruk and Dave Hollins

It's hard to believe that this was only ten years ago.  Feels like a lifetime.

The Colors Of The City

Times Square
New York City, NY
I bought this off of a guy on the streets in Times Square, mostly because it has a Matrix Reloaded billboard.

My Money Is On Bastion Booger

You can vote for who you think is under the mask by going to the WWE Smackdown website.

The Four Hour Sandwich

Arby's Coupon Circular
The Denver Post (May 13, 1973)
I really don't understand the slogan, but you've got to love the psychedelic artwork.

WWE Unleashed

WWE Unleashed (Raw house show)
First Union Arena - Wilkes-Barre PA
This is the first WWF/E show that I've been to since my 11th birthday when I saw WWF Champion Hulk Hogan defeat the evil Iraq sympathizer, Sgt. Slaughter in a "Desert Storm Match" in the main event. 

So much has changed in professional wrestling in the 12 year span between the first and second WWF/E shows that I've been in attendance for.  Although we didn't know it back in 1991, we were in the final years of Hulkamania running wild in the WWF.  Hulk Hogan would go on to lead the nWo in World Championship Wrestling, which is almost solely responsible for the ratings battle between WCW and the WWF from 1995 to 2001.  Today, Hogan is once again working for Vince McMahon.  These days, he's wearing a mask and calling himself Mr. America as he feuds with his old nemesis from my childhood, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.

The main event at last night's show was a championship match between Triple H and Kevin Nash.  Back in '91, Nash was working a Wizard Of Oz gimmick in WCW, and Triple H was just beginning to train to become a professional wrestler.  The two would meet in the WWF in the mid 90's where their friendship with Shawn Michaels, Scott Hall and Sean Waltman would become immortalized as The Kliq.

Here is the full card from last night in Wilkes-Barre:

This card featured a little bit of everything.  The show included ECW alumni Tommy Dreamer, Lance Storm, Stevie Richards, Jazz, Rodney Mack and The Dudley Boys.  There were champions of the golden era of WCW, including Booker T, Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner and Shane Helms (The Hurricane), and the WCW World Heavyweight Championship belt, which is now just being called the "World Heavyweight Championship".  The WWF Attitude Era was represented by Triple H, Kane, Val Venis (Chief Morley), Trish Stratus, Christian and Test.  There were also younger stars, including Tough Enough graduates Maven and Christopher Nowinski, former WXW stars Matt E. Smalls (Rosey) and Eddie Fatu (Jamal), and WWF developed talent La Résistance.

Results
Tag Team Match	The Hurricane and Maven defeated Lance Storm and Sean Morley
Singles Match	Christopher Nowinski defeated Tommy Dreamer
WWE Women's Championship Triple Threat Match	Jazz defeated Trish Stratus and Victoria
Singles Match	Kane defeated Christian
Six Man Tag Team Tables Match	The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley, D-Von Dudley and Spike Dudley) defeated Three Minute Warning (Rosey and Jamal) and Rico Costantino
Tag Team Match	La Résistance (René Duprée and Sylvain Grenier) defeated Scott Steiner and Test
Singles Match	Booker T defeated Rodney Mack
World Heavyweight Championship Match	Triple H defeated Kevin Nash

Cat's Cradled

Most cats don't like to be held or cradled like this, but Gendo is no ordinary cat. He fell asleep in this position once when I was on the recliner in the living room.

The Bogeyman Is Real And You Found Him

House Of 1000 Corpses
Lions Gate Films (2003)
Captain Spaulding is one of the best horror film characters I've ever seen, and I'm now starved for a bucket of fried chicken.

Standard Speaker - Hazleton, PA  (April 12, 2003)

More Crystal Pepsi Coupons

Crystal Pepsi newspaper ad
April 1, 1993
This Crystal Pepsi coupon came out in the Spring of 1993 when the see-through cola was still the hottest thing in the grocery store.