One Small Step...

With Her Through The Mirror
The TGArtist
This artwork was created by a transwoman who has since retired from creating transgender art.  While I completely understand and support her decision to step away, her work has been inspiring and helpful to me and to many other people.  Her artwork, and the statement she gave when she retired from it, has inspired me to be more open to others.

Last year, I created a separate online identity with a separate blog to express my thoughts, feelings, and personal experiences with being somewhere on the gender non-conformist spectrum.  This felt wrong because keeping these feelings segregated was a form of self-shaming.  I have been working through feelings of embarrassment and guilt about my gender identity since I was in grade school, so treating this as something to hide felt like a step in the wrong direction.  When you look at it objectively, the only reason that my gender identity stands out from any other aspect of who I am is because of the social stigma around it.  If we lived in a world where expressing your gender in whatever way feels right to you didn't come with so much baggage, it wouldn't be any more worth mentioning than the color of my hair or the color of my eyes, both of which could change without too much judgment from others.

I am not transitioning, nor is the focus of this blog suddenly going to shift to being entirely about gender identity, but this is a part of who I am.  With that sprit in mind, the text below started off as something that I wrote for that other blog.  I read it again and didn't feel like it captured what it is that I'm trying to express, so I spent most of the day re-writing it.  The text below these two National Geographic covers is about my eighth or ninth attempt and I still don't think I'm doing a great job of explaining how I feel, but it's the best I can do at the moment.

Gender non-conformity has captured the attention of the American public.  On one hand, I've taken some comfort in this.  It's nice to know that I'm not alone and that there are a lot of supportive people in the world.  On the other hand, it has shined a light on the hatred, bigotry, and violence that the trans community is faced with on a daily basis, and that scared the hell out of me.  The extra attention has also inspired quite a bit of hurtful sarcasm and jokes.

Artwork by Sophie (Assigned Male Comics)

Even if everybody in the world was supportive and understanding, this is a pretty damned confusing issue to deal with in and of itself.  In my case, this mental salad has a few extra croutons of autism, ADHD, and social anxiety tossed into the mix.  Fun, huh?

I'm 36 years old and I'm still not entirely sure where I fit.  Some days, I wake up and I know in my heart that I should have been born as a girl.  Other times, I tell myself that I'm being ridiculous and that I'm just a guy with a feminine side who has a hard time fitting in with others.  I suppose the label that makes the most sense is genderfluid, but I'm not sure if that's right either.  I would feel a lot better if I was assigned female at birth but free to express her masculine side instead of it being the other way around.  Maybe I'm just transfeminine and just too lazy or scared to see it through?  I don't know.  At the end of the day, I think I've just come to an acceptance that trying to make the best of life as a guy is less stressful than pursuing my true self, whatever that may be.

If I was born twenty years later, or was standing on more solid ground as it relates to my mental health, or if I was raised in an environment where I could have felt free to express these feelings with my friends and family without being ridiculed, I might have considered transitioning.  I have all the respect in the world for the people who overcome all of the obstacles in their lives to live their truth, but for me, I think that the negatives of dealing with an intolerant world would outweigh the positives.  In the words of Dante Hicks, "I can't make changes in my life like that. If l could, l would. but l don't have the ability to risk the comfortable situations on the big money and the fabulous prizes."  I express femininity in ways that are comfortable to me, and those ways are more or less prominent depending on who I am around and how safe I feel to be myself.

Artwork by Maijin Rose

This artwork was commissioned from Maijin Rose on Tumblr.  I wanted to see an artists rendition of me as a transwoman.  While I'm sure I'd explore with styles that are a little more fun than this if I were to live my life openly, I asked her to draw me in t-shirt and jeans because that's what I typically wear today.

Look, I realize that I am coming as guarded, or uptight, or ashamed of who I am, or some combination of the three.  I wish that I could snap my fingers and be absolutely confident and fearless about all of this, but being transgender or genderfluid or whatever it is that I am is far from the only thing I've had to come to terms with in my life.  I've worked through a hell of a lot of other issues and have been lucky enough to get through it and find happiness, so if I'm overly protective of the peace that I've found, it's only because I remember what life was like before I found it.

I don't really have a graceful way to end this piece, but thank you for reading it.

Still In Our Hearts

"I'm hiding in Honduras

I'm a desperate man

Send lawyers, guns, and money

The shit has hit the fan"

Warren Zevon
Lawyers, Guns and Money (1978)
Today would have been his 70th birthday.

The Gender Revolution

National Geographic
January 2017
That's a powerful quote that speaks pretty loudly to me.  I applaud this girl's bravery and I'm thankful that we're getting closer to a place of acceptance for the transgender community.  Everyone deserves to be happy and to express themselves in a way that feels right for them.

I'm A Pukwudgie

House Pukwudgie
I took the quiz on Pottermore to see what house I would be sorted into in the American equivalent of Hogwarts.  Hmm... a grouchy porcupine.  That checks out.

Magical Creatures And Where They Live

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Cinema & Drafthouse - West Hazleton, PA

I haven't read the book yet, and I couldn't think of what it was called, so when my wife asked what movie was at the Cinema & Drafthouse this weekend, I said it was "Magical Creatures and Where They Live".  In other news, that is totally going to be the way that I refer to this book and film from now on.

I really enjoyed Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.  It's a spin-off / prequel to the Harry Potter books and films that expands its universe beyond the grounds of Hogwarts while still touching base with many of the things that are referenced in the series.  It reminded me of what Angel was to the Buffy The Vampire Slayer series - it took a teenage universe and turned it into a fantasy film noir that's geared toward an older audience.  I'm very interested in where they take the story from here.

Do The Math

Atari Jaguar demo kiosks
Atari Corporation (1994)
I worked at Wal-Mart in 1996-1997 when stores were selling off their stock of Jaguar merchandise at bargain basement prices.  I think I paid $20 for a brand new console, not including my employee discount.  I only had two games for it and neither were very good, but I was always intrigued by its potential (photo source: @ausretrogamer).

From The Wild World Of Wonka

Wonka confection enclosures
Nestle (2010'ish)

I started working for Nestle Confections, Baking and Ice Cream right out of college.  One of their recruiters had a table set up at a career fair on the first floor of the Henry Student Center at Wilkes University at the start of my senior year.  I didn't even know they were having a career fair that day and was just on my way to the third floor to grab something for lunch, and I spoke with the woman at their table and took a business card mostly to be polite.  I was a few months away from a psychology degree, and my thoughts at the time were on possibly going to grad school, with a flicker of hope still burning that I might be able to get into the Jet Programme.

The last thing I had on my mind when I took that card was a career in consumer relations, but life has a way of forcing people to change their plans.  A few months before graduation, my grandfather passed away and my father had a stroke which took away enough of his vision to put an end to his days of driving a car.  This left my grandmother, who hadn't driven a car in over 30 years at that point, by herself when it came to things like getting groceries or to her doctors appointments.  This meant that leaving the country for 1 to 5 years was off of the table.  I had one group interview with The University Of Scranton for their Masters Degree program, but I gave a half-assed effort at best if I'm being completely honest.  The school focused a little too heavily on god and faith, and I realized after about ten minutes that this wasn't the place for me.  I needed a job after I graduated from Wilkes, so I dug out that business card and ended up getting a job with Nestle CBI that I expected to have for a few months or maybe for a year until I found a social service job.  However, after my first Halloween and Baking Season with the team, I found that I really liked the job and the people who I worked with.  I ended up getting promoted to the Social Media Team, then to the role of Consumer Experience Specialist, which is what we called our monitoring and quality coach.  Finally, I was promoted to project trainer, and I've never before been so satisfied by what I do for a living.

In my early days of working with the team, I took phone calls from consumers on a variety of Nestle products, including those that fell under the Wonka brand.  When your first name is Will, and you answer calls by saying "Thank you for calling Wonka.  This is Will.  How may I help you?", the reaction you get from a lot of folks is "Oh, is this Willy Wonka?", which is sometimes followed with a joke about oompa loompas or something of that vein.  Any future employees named Will are not going to have this experience because Nestle has decided to retire the Wonka brand name from all of our confections and ice cream products.

In the process of updating all of my training material, I came across a binder with a set of enclosures that we would mail out to families with children.  These were available in our mail room for years before I came to work here, so if I had to guess, I'd say that they were produced sometime between 2008 to 2010.  I can't imagine that these are ever going to be sent out again, or that too many folks who have received one of them in the mail have saved them, so I thought it would be nice to preserve them here for anyone interested in the history of the Wonka brand.  Click each image below to see the image in full size.

Marenghi Rhapsody

Bill Nunn
Bohemian Rhapsody
The entire Queen classic has been written onto punch cards and played on Mr. Nunn's Marenghi Organ from 1905.  It sounds pretty amazing.  I'd love to hear this on the carousel at Knoebels.

The Swiss And The Furious

Happy birthday, Cesaro.  I hope you've found more reliable transportation since your indy wrestling days.

Drugs and Computers

Our New Age
Athelstan Spilhaus
This comic was published in the Sunday Funnies section of newspapers 51 years ago on December 26th, 1965.

Christmas Cookie Car

Made up of pretzels, Dare Maple Cookies and Stauffer's White Fudge Shortbread Cookies on top and for the wheels, and it rolls and holds together.

Merry Christmas From K-Mart

K-Mart Store Christmas Music (1974)
Shared by Tom Schwarzrock
Archive.org - "This is a digitized version of an in-store reel to reel tape that was played within a Kmart store in December 1974.  The opening Kmart jingle is interesting at the beginning of both hours, and there are theft deterrent security pages and store policy announcements between every few songs.  This must have been in attempt to discourage shoplifting."

Our Attic Is Filled With New Old Stock

Christmas Tablecloth
American Greetings Corp (1982)

It seems like I find something different in our attic every year when we decorate for Christmas.  This year, I came across this festive tablecloth from over 30 years ago that's still unopened after all these years.  My grandmother used these on the kitchen table for our Christmas Eve dinner.  She bought this from the Rea & Derick drugstore where she worked when I was a kid, but she never got around to using this one.

The Second Spitter

Roger McDowell
Philadelphia Phillies: 1989-1991
Happy 56th birthday to one of the zaniest relief pitchers of his generation.  Childhood memories can play tricks with you.  If you asked me, I would have sworn that Roger McDowell spent four or five years in the Phillies bullpen, but he only actually pitched in Philadelphia for one full season in 1990.

McDowell (left) came to the Phillies in June 1989 trade in which we absolutely stole both he and Lenny Dykstra (right) from the New York Mets in exchange for Juan Samuel.  McDowell was a lights out reliever for the rest of the '89 season and Dykstra would go on to spend the rest of his career in Philadelphia, including an incredible 1993 in which he was one of the catalysts that led to a National League Championship season.

Less than a year after the Phillies traded Roger McDowell to the Dodgers at the '91 deadline, he became part of the Seinfeld universe.  In a classic episode from the '92 season, Kramer and Newman told the story about the aftermath of a game at Shea Stadium between the Mets and Phillies in which Mets first baseman Keith Hernandez allegedly spit on them.  It turned out that Keith was innocent, and Roger McDowell was "the second spitter" hiding in the grassy knoll.  This iconic moment was memorialized by a bobble head statue given out by the Brooklyn Cyclones in their annual Seinfeld Night this summer.

Funny How?

Joe Pesci
If It Doesn't Snow On Christmas
Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just For You (1998)

Crystal Slush

Crystal Pepsi Slushie
Sheetz (2016)
A frozen taste of the early 90's are at a gas station near you.

The End of the 8-Bit Era

Nintendo sales flyer (1991)
KayBee Toys
At the end of the NES life cycle, they repackaged the console with Super Mario Bros. 3 as the pack-in title.  To this day, it's one of the most enjoyable games ever made.  The Game Genie came out in 1990 and it breathed life into some of the crazy hard games on my shelf.  Games that were once unplayable, like Deadly Towers, were halfway decent.

This flyer came out in December 1991, just a few months after the North American launch of the Super NES.  It was the first Christmas season that the NES and SNES were in stores at the same time.  The old 8-bit console was still going strong and still had a few hits yet to come, but we all knew that the end was near for the old grey box.

Now Playing: Flush Gordon

Crazy Video Candy
Fleer (1988)

When I was growing up in the 80's, baseball card makers Topps and Fleer marketed a line of different line of candy products that were sold in fun plastic containers.  The candy tasted terrible, but we only ever bought it because the packaging was a pretty cool toy. 

I saw these Crazy Video Candy packages for the first time on the Lunchmeat VHS blog.  I don't know how these things slipped past me when I was a kid because it's exactly the kind of thing I would have collected had I known about them.  There were 20 different packages, each of which was a mini VHS box with artwork and bad puns that parody famous movies.

Marking The Years

B&N Cafe Bookmarks
Barnes & Noble (2006-2007)

My wife and I didn't have much money when we first started dating, so a lot of our date nights were spent sharing our favorite books with each other at Barnes & Noble over a cup of coffee.  There was a pile of free bookmarks sitting on the cash register that advertised whatever drink specials they had for the month, and they'd let you take one if you wanted.  I still have them to this day, and I still use them. 

 

Here are the back of the bookmarks from the first photo.  The first two are from 2006 and the other three are from 2007.

 

This last one is from the 2007 Christmas season.

I'll Bet The Presents Are Better

Does Satan prefer Oreo or Chips Ahoy?

Valmont Plaza In The 80's

Valmont Plaza
Hazleton, PA (1987)
Many stores have come and go since this photo was taken.  There was a Hills Department Store to the left of Stroud's which turned into a short-lived Ames.  It has stood empty for well over a decade now.

The Stroud's Jewelry Store in this photo is now a Tractor Supply Company store.  The stores to the right of Stroud's are Gertrude Hawk Chocolates, The Fashion Tree Ltd, The Heritage Hallmark Shop, Januzzi's Pizza and The Shoe Spot.  Each of these storefronts are empty today with the exception of the Yong Hao Buffet which has been open since the mid 90's.  I'm pretty sure it's in the same spot as the Hallmark store.

This plaza also used to have an Insalaco's grocery store, which is now a Big Lots.  Click here to see it in full size.

Inside The Laurel Mall

Laurel Mall
Hazleton, PA (early 1980's)
Back in the day, the Laurel Mall had a brick floor with trees growing through it and plants in the center.  With the lights and park benches, the mall had the vibe of a neighborhood park.  The Boscov's anchor store in the center of this photo is still open to this day.  Click here to see it in full size.

Laurel Mall In The 80's

Laurel Mall
Hazleton, PA (early 1980's)
This is the entrance of the Laurel Mall from Route 93 in the early 1980's.  The Wendy's in the background is still there, and is largely unchanged from the way it appeared back then.  Click here to see it in full size.

Deck The Television With Boughs Of Holly

This photo was taken thirty years ago in 1986.  The top of our living room television doubled as a shelf for framed photos, knick knacks and holiday decorations.  Our Atari is in the game organizer to the right with two shelves of games, most of which were purchased for around $2.00 at Boscov's or Kay Bee Toys.

Baseball In The 80's

Baseball In The 80's
MLB Home Video (1990)

My dad bought this tape for me when I was 10 or 11 years old.  We were living in South Florida at the time and we found it at a Blockbuster Video that wasn't far from our house.  It's a documentary by The Sporting News that was narrated by legendary Chicago Cubs play-by-play announcer Jack Brickhouse.  As the name suggests, it chronicles the events and accomplishments that took place in Major League Baseball from 1980 through 1989.

I played this tape so many times that I damn near know it by heart, and I've lived at a lot of different places in the years since Dad gave this to me, but it still plays perfectly.

 

Quack The 80's Nerdy Geek has digitized this tape and shared it on his YouTube channel.  I'm not sure if MLB is going to allow it to stay online, but it's there now and it's a hell of a blast from the past that I strongly recommend.  Unlike many other baseball documentaries, this isn't a retrospective of events many years after they had taken place.  It was made in 1990, so the things that are discussed in here had just happened.  It's an interesting perspective that's worth watching.  Click play to check it out.

Happy Birthday, Paulie

Omnibot 2000
The Sharper Image (1986)
At just over two feet tall, the Omnibot 2000 isn't quite the same as the robot from Rocky IV, but it could neatly pour you a drink for the low, low price of five hundred dollars.

Study Your Riddles

Charlie the Choo-Choo
Beryl Evans
This book is proof that we're not living in the real world.  The author of Charlie the Choo-Choo on Keystone Earth is Claudia y Inez Bachman.  Long days and pleasant nights.

The Horseshoe Bend

The Horseshoe Bend
Eric Joyner (2016)

San Junipero

Black Mirror is the Twilight Zone of our generation; home to the most creative, thought-provoking and well-written stories that are being told on film.  There hasn't been a bad episode yet.  The best of the lot came at season three, episode 4 with San Junipero.

I'm not saying anything more about it here.  Just log into Netflix and go watch it now.  Afterward, head to Salon to read a very well done article by Mary Elizabeth Williams that dives deeper into the imagery, references and musical choices made in the episode.

Artwork by: notmytempo90 (imgur)

Kaboom Arcade

Kaboom!
Activision (1981)
This was one of my favorite games for the Atari 2600.  It was released in 1981 by Activision.  It was never an arcade game, but This Old Game turned it into a cabinet for Free Play Florida.
(Photo credit: Jon Stoodley. Shared by: Jace Hall)

Magic 2.0

Off To Be The Wizard
Scott Meyer (2013)
This is the first book in a trilogy by Scott Meyer called the Magic 2.0 series.  I just discovered it and I'm hooked!  I don't want to spoil the story, but it's a unique take on nerd culture and the existence of magic and wizards.  Think Harry Potter meets Ready Player One with a touch of Monty Python.

I Can Relate To This

Amen, little buddy.
[source: Bill Watterson - Calvin & Hobbes - February 13th, 1992]

I Hope It Has Whipped Cream And Sprinkles

F'real Glazed Donut Milkshake
Sheetz (2016)

Live From The Chandelier Lobby

Henry Rollins: Live From The Chandelier Lobby
FM Kirby Center - Wilkes-Barre, PA
I'm very thankful that I had the opportunity to go to this show.  Henry Rollins has long been someone that I admired for his music, his writing and speaking, his views on the world, and his approach to life in general.  This setup of the show was interesting because it wasn't held on the stage of the theater.  The far left hand doors in the ticket office that led into the lobby were opened, but all of the other doors were closed because a small stage was behind the doors in the lobby.  It was a small and intimate show, and it's a bit surreal that it's taking place two days before the election (a topic he spoke about only briefly).  It was an excellent show, and I hope that I get to see him again.

Star Sailors

Star Sailors
Star Wars / Sailor Moon mashup
Artwork by Flowerveil
From left to right, Sailor Naboo (Princess Amidala), Sailor Alderaan (Princess Leia) and Sailor Jakku (Rey).

Eight O'Clock In The Morning

The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction
Mercury Press - November 1963
This literary magazine has been the print source of some of the most brilliant and interesting works of fiction since they published their first issue in 1949, including The Dark Tower in 1981.  Their November 1963 issue included a short story by Ray Nelson called Eight O'Clock In The Morning.  John Carpenter acquired the film rights to it in the 80's and used it as the inspiration for his script for the 1988 film They Live.  It's a different story from the movie, but you can certainly see the elements that led to the cult classic.  You can read it online from Idoc.pub or listen to a reading of it from Newartthing Art.